Definition

Date rape is a term which gets used in many ways.

Those who don't take this crime seriously will claim that date rape is nothing more than "bad sex." They will use a variety of excuses to deny that date rape is real rape or they will find excuses for why the victim's actions nullify a rape they cannot deny.

For some people, date rape is not real rape unless the rapist uses a knife or a gun. Yet this same requirement is not needed to make attempted murder real attempted murder.

The crime of attempted murder is defined by someone's attempt to kill you not by which method that person picked to try to do so or by the relationship between the attempted murderer and the person they tried to kill.

This concept is simple and only seems complex in rape cases because of the long-standing rationalizations related to rape.

Date rape is rape where there is any type of short-term or long-term relationship between the rapist and the rape victim.

Responding to bad definitions

If you are still in shock from being raped by someone you know, please don't even try to make sense of the many ways people can deny rape. Don't bother trying to convince them. It will likely leave you feeling crazy.

For some of these people their idea of who rapists are is so entrenched that no amount of credible evidence will shake them from their cocoon of denial.

Don't trust these people's judgment on rape even if they mean well or are experts in their field. I tell you this as a survivor of date rape who felt misplaced guilt for years.

If you do need to respond, here are some numbers:

According to the Minnesota Coalition Against Sexual Assault (MNCASA) 93% of those seeking services related to sexual violence were assaulted by someone known to them.

According to the Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network (RAINN) approximately 73% of rape victims know their assailant.

Stranger rape is the exception not the rule. For many people, life is less stressful when they incorrectly believe the only people who might commit rape are strangers. So for them denial of date rape is their imaginary security blanket.

Consent

Consensual sex always involves positive and current consent from the person consenting. This may not be the word yes, but it is some kind of expression of freely given participation.

I shouldn't have to say it but I will, if someone is unable to give legal consent either because of age, condition or power dynamics (on duty cop, arrestee, for example) then no sexual contact should be made.

Consent is a process which always involves the ability for lack of consent to be respected. In healthy interactions the person consenting should shift from moment to moment as each participant takes an action.

Consent is not inviting your date in for coffee, it is not flirting. The likelihood of consent is not consent. Prior consent is not consent to anything. A marriage license is not consent. Consent is not transferable.

Genuine consent does not signal the moment where the other person's wants and boundaries can be disregarded.

Date rapists

Date rapists rely on denial of date rape and on the denial of the rape victim's experience to escape both personal and legal responsibility.

Date rapists are not defined by any trait other than the action of committing rape against someone they know. Most boys and men are not rapists but most rapists are either boys or men.

Many date rapists who deny that what they did is rape get their consent from societal messages about when they don't have to stop. But this secondhand consent is not legal consent.

Many date rapists will have positive motives for rape. My boyfriend told me immediately after he raped me the first time that he was expressing his love for me and helping me get over my fear of sex. They need to spin their actions in order to live with the crime they committed.

This conflict between the crime committed and the rapist's self image can make it harder for survivors to acknowledge the crime committed against them and it can make it harder to trust others.

You know what a stranger rapist wants when he jumps out a van with a knife in his hand. You don't know what a boy or man wants when he politely asks you on a date.

Date rape avoidance and resistance

I don't write about how girls and women can prevent being raped since genuine prevention comes from the decision not to attempt rape. Victims are not legally responsible for preventing rape and any law which in practice makes them responsible needs to change immediately.

Date rapists may tip their hand about the belief system which allows them to rape. This can include rape denial or victim blaming.

Whenever any of your personal boundaries are meaningless, even in small non-sexual ways, that is a sign that this person may ignore other personal boundaries.

If someone tries to invalidate your concerns or fears don't trust their motives.

Even if it will hurt that person's feelings you have the right to have your boundaries respected. 

Get help if you aren't sure how to handle a particular situation or relationship which feels potentially dangerous or which has become abusive.

Date rape prevention  

Don't coerce, threaten or force anyone into sexual contact or sexual activity.

If you make a promise to respect someone's boundaries keep that promise even if you could get away with breaking your promise.

Don't use your opinion of someone's morals or past behavior as a substitute for genuine consent.

Don't take advantage of anyone's vulnerability to get sexual contact or activity.
 
Don't look the other way as someone around you disrespects another person's sexual boundaries.

If someone who looks semiconscous is being led away, step in or call for help.

If you see a drink being spiked, step in or call for help.

If you hear someone admitting to actions which meet the legal definition of rape, call the police.

Don't minimize or deny rape or use lack of evidence as if it were proof of a fraudulent police report.

Don't harass, threaten or mistreat anyone who reported rape no matter how sure you are that this person filed a false report.

Don't lie for anyone accused of rape even if you are sure that person has been falsely accused.

Marcella Chester